Some liberties have been taken with format, but not content, except that contact information has been remove.
Subject: Imperfection vs: dysfunction--Seekers vs. doers--Resignation
Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2001 00:29:58 EST
From: [Pat Moore]
To: [Judy Gallimore], [Birds of a Feather]
CC: [Jane Anthony]
Dear Judy, I've been at Bethany Beach. It was lovely.
I returned last night to read about your recent resignation from UUCF. I hope you are doing well. Your decision was surely difficult and I respect the strength it took to make it. Please let me know if I can be of help in coming weeks--if you want company, a place to "unload," a friend with whom to attend a new UU church.
Fortunately, I know my own present feelings of sadness and disappointment are temporary. They will heal with some combination of effort, surrender and time. Even now, in the midst of conflicted feelings, I know my years at UUCF will someday rest in my heart as one of life's sacred experiences. It was at UUCF that my spirit reawakened after having been dormant for many years. It was there I began to remember what I knew as a small child--to love, trust, forgive, embrace the universal mysteries, find wisdom from within, speak my voice and have faith in the benign energies of the cosmos. I consider my work with the ACOA group to be equally sacred. Actually, much of the healing and growth I attribute to UUCF resulted from Sunday night ACOA meetings. It saddens me that some who I have loved and trusted at UUCF, now thoughtlessly and destructively demean a group with which I engaged in deep and serious psychological and spiritual work. Predictably, those doing the degrading have no firsthand knowledge of the UUCF ACOA group, its healing energies and process.
I want to thank you for sharing publicly the ignorant and insensitive remarks spoken in the recent leadership training session. I hope others with similar experiences (Triddy Wilfong, for example) continue to come forward. It is only in surfacing the darkness, that there is any hope light will penetrate and transform the negative into a positive. Assuming confidentiality rules were in place, I do not believe you and other friends were aware of them when you/they shared heartfelt concerns with me. Nonetheless, may I say that from my perspective, there are times when confidentiality rules may be inappropriate. Confidentiality, like censorship, can be rationalized in a million ways. (Much abuse takes place in the name of damage control, etc.) However, these types of rules are sometimes forms of keeping secrets. Knowing that extreme abuse takes place in families and institutions where secrets are the norm, it seems we should be somewhat apprehensive of them. When such rules are arbitrarily followed, they can become a breeding ground for dysfunction.
If similarly degrading remarks had been made in the leadership training group, about gays, lesbians or blacks in the church, I wonder whether the "leaders/future leaders" would justify their silence by what some have suggested might be the more important consideration (i.e., confidentiality).
In the current climate, with the present group of leaders/trainees, would any have had the strength of conscience and character to stand up and say, "These are unwise, unkind, unnecessary and hurtful words. They are not worthy of a church whose mission claims to be about caring for one's community and transforming the world (presumably for the better)." Judy, in essence you now have said this. Again, thank you.
Although I know Jim and his cronies may use this information in a self-serving and destructive way, I will risk providing some personal information (previously shared in a lay led service several years back), which I believe is a meaningful backdrop to what is happening at UUCF.
Through no fault of his own, my father suffers from mental illness. He survived a brain aneurysm at age 22. After an operation in which his doctors predicted he might live two additional years, my dad has somehow continued for another 55. Subsequently, he was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and has been on medications since his operation. The causes of and cures for mental illness are far from an exact science; and the meds of 55 years back were not what they are today. They have been only partly and sometimes effective.
Through no fault of mine, I was born to a father with mental illness. My father's is a tortured life; and until I was 15 and my siblings and I were rescued (by, of all people, a minister) from my Dad's projected torment, mine was also a tortured life. (Horrendous emotional and physical abuse took place in my home daily.) We were trained early on to keep our family circumstances a secret.
Yes, I have had much healing to do. Am I ashamed of it? Not anymore. To the contrary, I am proud to have confronted my demons, wrestled and overcome them. I feel somewhat graced to have been guided to my teachers, and to and through the experiences (like ACOA), necessary for developing healthy and effective tools for dealing with dysfunction in my family and the world around me, while simultaneously living life "wholly."
In my years of therapy, twelve-step and spiritual work, I have moved through many levels and stages of pain, anger, fear, forgiveness, compassion, love and trust. And, although I was on a healing path when I first attended UUCF, I continued carrying an enormous amount of shame about my father's illness and the victimization of my childhood.
Most who knew me then, knew nothing about my past, nor the pain I carried. All assumed I had always lived a comfortable, upper middle class existence. I was good at wearing masks--a graduate degree and other professional credentials, successful career and husband, high income bracket with all the fixings--designer clothes, European vacations, etc. Nonetheless, the shame of my past continued to drive my spirit underground.
Mine is lifetime work. (Personally, I believe we all have lifetime spiritual/psychological work.) And, much of our deepest work can be done most effectively in safe places--environments where people listen without judgment and have compassion for those whose story is different from their own. I am sorry to say that UUCF is no longer a safe place for such work. How can it be, when the ministers and leaders demean ACOA groups and congregational members who participate in them?
Small, selected groups of "leaders" who undermine good programs like ACOA contribute to the narrowing of minds and the darkness that grows from this. Anyone with true knowledge of twelve-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, knows that millions have participated, healed and succeeded in becoming more loving and productive people because of them.
Twelve-step programs are about mindfulness (moving through life a step at a time), honesty (acknowledging our mistakes, weaknesses and limitations), forgiveness and healing (letting go of what we cannot change; making amends for our own negative actions), acknowledging our strengths (having the courage to name dysfunction, changing what we can, supporting others in their journey), forgiveness and compassion (letting go of what we cannot change; listening to others without judgment), and hope (turning even the mysteries of destruction over to higher universal powers).
Yes, ACOA was a sacred experience for me, and I cannot have respect for nor participate in a church whose leaders and ministers degrade the sacred. People like you are the true leaders of our community. Perhaps others will follow your lead.
Hope to see you soon!
Pat
Subject: Re: Imperfection vs: dysfunction--Seekers vs. doers--Resignation
Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2001 13:38:26 -0500
From: "Chris Mason"
To: [Birds of a Feather]
Dear Pat,
Although I don't know you near as well as others, I want to make sure you and others know that I in no way was devaluing ACOA in any of my comments. Having participated with Alanon and ACOA for a period of some 10-15 years that ended a little over a decade ago, I too can vouch for its value and I am not shy about speaking up for ACOA. AS I have indicated before, I too found it to be an amazing source of support and am pleased to hear that you found it to help with your healing process. To me since I know you best through email, many of your recent emails (on topics such as children and censorship) point to the wisdom you have, and I value the comments you have provided.
My point in speaking out about confidentiality was four-fold: one to ask us to all be considerate of and mindful of those agreements (Judy I understand that missing the first night might have been a problem), second to let others know that another participant in that experience saw the referred to reference in another light, and third to distance myself from any possible negative references to ACOA at that training. I continue to speak about its value to many and would never let negative references go by without comment. Fourth, and this is something that many on this list will not agree with since I am at a different place, I treasured the leadership group and saw much of value there--even though I didn't agree with everything. I hate to see it torn apart and while I can understand how some people are ready to latch onto the negative, I believe this single incident was blown out of proportion and from what I saw and heard, I disagree with the characterization.
Sincerely,
Chris Mason
Subject: Re: Imperfection vs: dysfunction--Seekers vs. doers--Resignation
Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2001 16:02:25 EST
From: [Janice Holmblad]
To: [Birds of a Feather]
Dear Pat,
I know you have experienced a great deal of pain in your life. I was at the lay led service you refer to and I was very moved by your revelations and the pain associated with them. But, I have to strongly disagree with your characterization of our ministerial associates training as well as your distortion of confidentiality. Even though this was not a support group, it was an intense comittment of time and exploration and I feel extremely betrayed by those who violated an agreed upon understanding of confidentiality. Whether someone misses an introductory session or not, we all know that this is a requirement for good group functioning and it has nothing to do with abusive family situations and their "secrecy". By taking one exercise out of context as well as the differing views of members of the group, great harm was done. The appropriate way to express disagreement with an opinion stated in a group is at the group. This discussion wasn't at our last meeting, there were opportunities for second thoughts about what had been said. Many fascinating topics were explored and all who attended were active participants. We are not "Jim's" cronies, we are individual seekers and doers who have committed ourselves to UUCF. Those who have chosen to betray the group by violating confidentiality and by portraying it in such a distorted way reveal their own character. I am very disappointed. If I were a suspicious person I would wonder why someone would take such a class with Jim when they hold him in such low regard. Were you honest with yourself about why you were interested in the class? The reality is that even when a person has experienced devastatingly painful life experiences there comes a time when they need to move on in their lives. These experiences are always a part of who we are and those who care about us need to know about the hurt we live with, yet we can't let these experiences consume us. When someone has been harmed by another person it is especially important to lead a strong life and not give the abuser any additional power over one's life. I say these things because I remain committed to UUCF and all who are associated with it. I continue to care about those who have chosen to leave, but I cannot remain silent when UUCF is referred to in such horrible ways.
Janice
Subject: Re: Imperfection vs: dysfunction--Seekers vs. doers--Resignation
Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2001 18:20:15 EST
From: [Pat Moore]
To: [Birds of a Feather]
In a message dated 3/22/01 4:03:35 PM Eastern Standard Time,
[Janice Holmblad] writes:
> If I were a suspicious person I would wonder why someone would take such
> a class with Jim when they hold him in such low regard. Were you honest
> with yourself about why you were interested in the class?
Dear Janet,
Just to clarify, I did not take the leadership class and expressed no interest in taking it.
Pat
Subject: Re: Imperfection vs: dysfunction--Seekers vs. doers--Resignation
Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2001 19:10:51 EST
From: [Janice Holmblad]
To: [Birds of a Feather]
Dear Pat,
I know you weren't in the class. I was referring to someone who did and took things out of context.
Janice
Subject: Re: Imperfection vs: dysfunction
Date: Fri, 23 Mar 2001 16:28:28 EST
From: [Pat Moore]
To: [Birds of a Feather]
Dear Triddy,
I am sorry I haven't responded to your thoughtful remarks before now. I am still catching up on email after my mini vacation at Bethany.
I want to thank you for articulating what you have witnessed about Jim's behavior on the "dysfunction/ACOA" issue. It takes courage to disclose information, which reveals the true character of our spiritual leaders, when what is revealed may be questionable (perhaps even unacceptable) character traits for those who guide us in our work to become better people.
Your remarks are always helpful. I appreciate your honesty.
May we all learn to function better,
Pat
Subject: Re: Imperfection vs. dysfunction
Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2001 10:17:46 EST
From: [Janice Holmblad]
To: [Birds of a Feather]
Dear Judy,
I am glad you decided to respond to my email. Much of what I had to say combined my concerns about what has been expressed by others on Birds of a Feather but was precipitated by your resignation and comments made by you, Pat, and others regarding the ministerial associates training. I have been reading Birds of a Feather for many months and : I have been very troubled by the ways in which UUCF and it's leaders have been portrayed. That is what I was referring to when I used the word "horrible." In fact, my comments have been in reference to the larger context of birds. I can't see how things could improve at UUCF from the perspective of those who have chosen to resign, unless Jim and the lay leadership would resign. Since I have been a member of UUCF, but particularly since I have been a lay leader, including when I became a church committee member, I have been struck by how dedicated, caring, and devoted those who are in leadership positions are. Knowing the time commitments necessary to serve in a position of leadership, most of us who have agreed to serve in such positions have done so hesitantly as we consider the effects on our family and personal lives. When I have spoken to people who are completing their terms as lay leaders, they express exhaustion from the emotional strain that their positions have caused. They want to do what is right. These are not power hungry people.
I have thought a lot about the issue of confidentiality. I don't recall that it was something which developed, but rather was a normal agreement that has preceded many groups in which I have been involved. I think it is an important part of the covenant we have for each other. This is a covenant that I hope we all strive for in our caring for each other. Most people say things in incautious ways that may or may not reflect their feelings or understandings at the time. I know there have been times in my life that I have wished I could retract a comment because it wasn't quite what I had meant to say, especially when I realize that it has caused pain. One of the downsides of the birds list is that it can so easily lead to misunderstanding as people try to express what they mean. We can't see our recipients faces for reaction and we don't get a real time verbal dialogue going. The positive side of this is that a person has a chance to express their complete thought. Unfortunately, I think this reality can sometimes lead to a distortion of communication.
I remain truly sorry that you have decided to resign and especially that you have decided not to serve in a leadership position at UUCF. I continue to believe that voices such as yours need to be a part of our congregation.
Janice
Subject: No Subject
Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2001 15:15:12 EST
From: {Marcia Helme]
To: [Birds of a Feather]
Here are my thoughts on some of the current ruminating topics.
Anger. I cannot be judgmental about anger or any other emotion. To borrow from our ACOA guidelines, "Feelings just are; and acknowledging them is better than denying or minimizing them." Actually, I think anger can be a very healthy emotion. I hope I never cease to become angry at injustice, regardless of the identity of the victim.
Confidentiality. There is a time for confidentiality and a time for nonconfidentiality. In a support group, where the contract of confidentiality is emphasized at each meeting, then one has promised not to discuss anyone's sharings outside of the group. This is also true of the counseling-client relationship and certain other relationships, such as lawyer-client, doctor-patient. Even in these cases, however, there is at least one exception. If I, as a client, tell my counselor that I would like to kill person X, and that I have a gun, and that I'm a good shot, then my counselor is legally bound to inform the authorities, unless she/he can persuade me to voluntarily sign myself into a psych ward.
My representatives in Congress, however, do not debate in secret sessions. At least in theory, they don't. They debate on the floor of the senate and the house, and I am entitled to know what they say and how they vote. The Senate is not a support group for Senators; the Senators are there to represent the citizens.
"Why Don't the People in Group A Grow Up?" To borrow again from our ACOA group, we emphasized that each person speak about one's own actions and emotions, not someone else's. Therefore, to say, "Why don't the people in group A grow up?" would have no place in such a support group. It is not a statement about the speaker's feeling or actions or attitudes. It is a statement about the speaker's perception of someone else's attitudes and actions.
Furthermore, any spiritual leader worthy of my respect, who is present at such an utterance, would remind the group that they have not assembled for the purpose of judging the perceived attitudes of persons not present.
Avoiding the Issue How many people are as weary as I am of hearing the uucf leadership respond to criticism by saying, "You're not supposed to tell anyone about that?"
Marcia Helme
Subject: Leading from Within
Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2001 15:45:57 -0500
From: "Stephen C. Clapp"
To: "Birds of a Feather"
Dear Janice (and whoever else is out there listening),
As one who has been critical of the UUCF leadership, I want to stress that I in no way question the dedication of individuals like yourself who have chosen to accept lay leadership roles. But if the system itself is broken and needs fixing, hard work and dedication will count for little.
I have found the book "Let Your Life Speak" by Parker Palmer to be helpful in understanding the situation at UUCF. Here are some excerpts from a chapter titled "Leading from Within":
"A leader is someone with the power to project either shadow or light onto some part of the world and onto the lives of the people who dwell there. A leader shapes the ethos in which others must live, an ethos as light-filled as heaven or as shadowy as hell. A good leader is intensely aware of the interplay of shadow and light, lest the act of leadership do more harm than good.
"I think, for example, of teachers who create the conditions under which young people mus spend so many hours: some shine a light that allows new growth to flourish, while others cast a shadow under which seedlings die. I think of parents who generate similar effects in the lives or their families or of clergy who do the same to entire congregations... "We have a long tradition of approaching leadership via the 'power of positive thinking'...Leadership is hard work for which one is regularly criticized and rarely rewarded, so it is understandable that we need to bolster ourselves with positive thoughts. But by failing to look at our shadows, we feed a dangerous delusion that leaders too often indulge: that our efforts are always well-intended, our power always benign, and the problem is always in those difficult people we are trying to lead! "Those of us who embrace leadership, especially public leadership, tend toward extroversion, which often means ignoring what is happening inside ourselves. If we have any sort of inner life, we 'compartmentalize' it, walling it off from our public work. This, of course, allows the shadow to grow unchecked until it emerges, larger than life, in the public realm, a problem we are well acquainted with in our own domestic politics. Leaders need not only the technical skills to manage the external world but also the spiritual skills to journey inward toward the source of both shadow and light."
Palmer speaks of six "shadow-casting monsters" in extroverted leaders, but I'll focus on just one. In a sermon several years ago, Jim disclosed that his grandfather was nicknamed "No Good Nelson," because he paraded around town in his Spanish-American War uniform long after hostilities had ceased. He was a figure of fun, and folks were amazed that Jim's future mother would marry the son of No Good Nelson. That's the family background that Jim brings to his ministry.
Palmer writes: "The first shadow-casting monster is insecurity about identity and worth. Many leaders have an extroverted personality that makes this shadow hard to see. But extroversion sometimes develops as a way to cope with self-doubt; we plunge into external activity to prove that we are worthy--or simply to evade the question...When we are insecure about our own identities, we create settings that deprive other people of their identities as a way of buttressing our own." I experienced this aspect of Jim when I belonged to the Worship Committee in 1996-98. We were told in no uncertain terms that the purpose of the Worship Committee was to support him and make him look good!
Until Jim acknowledges his shadow and comes to terms with it, things will not change for the better at UUCF.
Best,
Steve
Subject: UUCF leaders, friends & former friends
Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2001 16:03:50 EST
From: [Marcia Helme]
To: [Birds of a Feather]
Dear Birds,
Janice Holmblad recently wrote:
"I have been very troubled by the ways in which UUCF and it's [sic] leaders have been portrayed. . . . I have been struck by how dedicated, caring, and devoted those who are in leadership positions are."
Janice,
I have been very troubled by the ways in which UUCF and its leaders have treated me and my friends. I was very troubled when I was booed out of the church for acting in a way that would have been considered commendable in almost any other UU church.
I was very troubled when a member of UUCF helped get me fired by lying about me, sending me the wrong data, and generally making it impossible for me to do the job my managers said they wanted me to do.
I was very troubled when I was no longer able to attend the UUCF Auction, because it had been priced out of my pocketbook after I was fired. I spoke to 2 members of the Auction Committee about this. I will relate only one of the responses. "My financial status is worse than yours." (This came from s omeone who lives in a more elegant house that I, who was still employed at the very company that had recently fired me, with the help of another UUCF member.)
I was very troubled when UUCF's senior minister spent a good part of a mother's day sermon chastising the people who had left UUCF for other UU churches -- chastised them for not still contributing financially to UUCF; and that his rationale was that we had disappointed his mother. The UUCF leadership had already disappointed me and my friends in many, many ways.
I am very troubled by the lack of freedom of speech at UUCF, a condition that appears to be driven by the senior minister.
I am very troubled by UUCF ongoing and repeated refusal to give a thorough accounting of the management of funds donated to the church for specific purposes.
You say you have been struck by how dedicated, caring, and devoted the UUCF leadership is. What makes you think that those of us who have left UUCF are not also dedicated, caring, and devoted? Most of those of us who have left gave a lot to that church, and gave it gladly. We thought we were valued members of the UUCF community, but we were wrong. Quite suddenly and unexpectedly, we became the reviled and misrepresented. What makes you think you won't be among them someday?
I hope that if you ever join a church of which I am a member and leader, and if you express concerns about the leadership's behavior, I hope that I will listen. I hope that I will respond by saying, "Janice, I know you are a dedicated and well-meaning person. If you see dysfunction that I don't see, then I want to hear more about it. I want to know how we can accommodate your needs and benefit from including you. If many of your friends feel that the leadership here has mistreated them, then I will work very hard to get some of the leadership to sit down with some of you, perhaps with a professional mediator, and see how we can accommodate each other. This will not be a quick process. It will require much time and effort and patience; but I am willing to expend the effort if you are."
Marcia Helme
Subject: Confidentiality - 2
Date: Sun, 25 Mar 2001 14:37:49 EST
From: [Marcia Helme]
To: [Birds of a Feather]
Dear Birds,
I've been thinking more about confidentiality. Usually, in a therapist-client relationship or a support group relationship, the purpose of confidentiality is to protect the individual's sharings about him/herself. For example, suppose John Doe in Support Group A reveals that he used to expose himself in public and make obscene phone calls, and that he is now in private therapy working on this, and that it's been a whole year since the last incident. John wants assurance that no one will run to his boss with this information. Or run to his wife or his children. If he chooses to tell any of the above people, that is his choice.
Now let us suppose that Mary Roe, also a member of Support Group A, is also the president of the local City Council. Within the Group, Mary reveals that she thinks the residents or Precinct P are nasty people and she wishes they would move away, and she plans on seeing to it that their property taxes become disproportionately high. The purpose of confidentiality is NOT to enable the City Council to mistreat some of the city's citizens.
Now suppose that, I, Jane Coe, am also a member of the Support Group, and a resident of Precinct P. Would it be a breach of confidentiality if I went to my neighbors and said the following? "I have some news from an anonymous source that our taxes may be increased disproportionately from the rest of the taxes of the rest of the city. Therefore I suggest you be on the alert. If you want to form a group to fight this legally, I will be glad to join."
Subject: Re: Confidentiality - 2
Date: Sun, 25 Mar 2001 16:48:30 -0500
From: "Chris Mason"
To: [Birds of a Feather]
Marcia and others,
Marcia I agree with MUCH of what you have to say about confidentiality. My thoughts are thus. Yes, we wanted to hold in confidence anything any individual may disclose about him/herself. However, also, I believe that the group was processing a lot of information on a wide array of topics and that sometimes thoughts were thrown out rather impulsively. When I felt uncomfortable I had a responsibility to speak up, which I did, as I continue to do. We owed something to ourselves and the group to function as leaders, following our individual conscience(s), and to work out disagreements within the context of the group and through communications with the group members. So what was broken was not so much an individual confidence but a trust that a UUCF group might not be able to process its differences without concern that whatever is said might be taken and shared beyond that group.
It's as if someone had said "abortion isn't right", the group processed different views, and then someone left the group saying the group was "anti-abortion."
Subject: Re: UUCF leaders, friends & former friends
Date: Sun, 25 Mar 2001 21:29:13 EST
From: [Janice Holmblad]
To: [Birds of a Feather]
Dear Marcia,
I wish I knew more about the situation you refer to regarding your job. What you have related is so far outside of anything I can imagine, I am not saying I don't believe you, only that I can't fathom it. If this happened as you say I can only imagine the pain and bitterness this has caused you. I have said previously that I don't recall being at the congregational meeting you refer to during which you were booed out of the meeting. I have read through a lot of written material and I am continuing to try to understand what has happened and how I can contribute to improvements. It is not always easy to read what is written here on birds, but I am not the kind of person to avoid listening to things that make me feel uneasy. I know that my efforts are appreciated because I have heard it said in many different ways, including when you and others take the time to respond to what I have said.
Janice
Subject: thanks
Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2001 15:08:46 EST
From: [Marcia Helme]
To: [Birds of a Feather]
Dear Janice,
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I had trouble believing it myself. All while it was happening, I kept saying, "NO, no. What I think is happening cannot really be happening. People are that nasty only in books. I need to get my paranoia under control."
It was several years after the events before I could piece them together and realize what had happened. And then I felt stupid for not having realized what was going on.
But of course, while it was going on, I had people telling me, "Are you sure you have that right? That sounds extreme. Oh, I believe you, but . . ."
Since all that happened, I began working in the area of domestic violence and sexual assault. This experience has made me intensely aware of the amount of evil in the world -- all the more so because I am not the victim, so I can't accuse myself or paranoia.
Thanks again,
Marcia Helme