I guess I have to say that I've been a lay spiritual seeker my whole life. I have had many spiritual experiences but none of them have empowered my life in as consistent and dependable way as the simple moment I will share with you now.
In the fall of 1999 I had been involved in a spiritual community for 12 years. The premise was that most of our problems sprang from the denial and judgement of negative feelings. We felt that by owning, accepting and expressing these feelings, we could find the original source of our negativity and release the associated pain. This release could help us recover lost parts of ourselves and enable the emergence of our true identity. The problem for me was not with the premise as much as the way that I and many others internalized the dogma to the point where we were steered away from our own inner knowing. We also positioned ourselves around the leader in a way that spoke to our own lack of power and self esteem.
Fear and anxiety have always had a presence in my life. My hope had been that the release of the fear through expression would help alleviate it. But it didn't. My hope had also been that the community would be a satisfying source of spiritual comradery. But ultimately it wasn't. There was a lot of posturing around the leader in a way that exacerbated our dogmatic behavior. When I finally brought this up during a gathering, after 12 years of practicing these beliefs, I stopped being invited to workshops.
Left to my own devices, I began to look at all the feelings I had around being rejected. This was painful, and certainly stirred self-doubt. But it also helped me to ask myself on a deeper level what I truly wanted. I found that I was scared of even asking the question for fear that the answer would not fit my religious paradigm. This tension peaked for me on one evening in my apartment in Santa Fe.
I was laying in bed feeling anxiety and decided to ask myself what I really wanted. As the answer began to surface, so did my anxiety. I struggled as if two sides of myself were on a see-saw. As I tilted towards the answer, the dogma would say NOOO, that's not right! As I tilted back away from the answer my will would rise up and say WAIT, it's my turn to speak! After swaying back and forth for moments that seemed painfully long, I had to let the answer surface. It was very simple: I wanted a rest from the fear.
I don't know if I ever experienced before or since the feeling of having every part of me come into complete alignment. It was a remarkable feeling of unity and of a power that sprang from the solid knowledge of what was needed in that moment.
What happened next could have been something I imagined. But I can tell you that I experienced a female energy coming from my right side like a breath or wisp of spring. It flowed over to my bed, kissed my heart and moved away to my left taking my fear with it. I lay there feeling a strange combination of reprieve and shock at the reprieve.
This moment was a true turning point -an affirmation stronger than any I had had in all the years of my practice. This moment affirmed for me that I had been given my own magnetic compass by which to navigate life --that I actually had something in myself that I could trust more than any outside knowledge. Probably there are many people who learn this as children, as I believe we all should. I learned it in my forties and frankly feel grateful that I got it at all. Maybe by learning it at that time, it helped me become conscious of another layer of this lesson.
The inner layer for me is about power. In that instant, the molten core of my magnetic self was tapped and I spoke from a place which can not help but manifest its desire. I learned that I have a core that is mine, that it has manifesting power, and that no matter how good an external belief system may sound or how wise another person may seem, they don't have the power to heal me the way I have the power to heal myself. I learned that I have to ask myself what is true and what I truly want in order to get an answer. I learned that I have to line up with my wishes in order to make them come true. I learned that there is a loving spiritual energy that wants to support the manifestation and cultivation of my core self.
As my spiritual direction changes and evolves, I continue to struggle with my fears, anxieties and dogmas. Now my approach is one of comforting the fear with love. But I also remember this moment I have shared, and appreciate its wisdom. The Build Your Own Theology class really is about uncovering our own answers and the church is clearly supportive of the process. I am grateful for the support that I got from the class and that I continue to get from this church. Thank you.